well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
