Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
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