I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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