I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
it glows. i had to have it.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
