She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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