Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
