Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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