Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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