i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
