You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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