I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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