I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
