that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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