he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
