Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
