I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
