Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
