Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
