She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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