I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
