I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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