Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
