he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
