Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
