did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
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Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
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Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
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