I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
