Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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