Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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