Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
