how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
