note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
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