i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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