i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Randomize
