Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
