I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
