Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Text me some of your sweat
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
