Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
