Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i already hear my dad disowning me
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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