I wish life had little blips of pornography
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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