just tell him i said nine months
i think i have two assholes
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
