Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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