Where did you get a picture of my penis
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
