I think I won the penis lottery.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
