My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
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Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
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Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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