You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
