We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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