I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
