why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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