YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
