I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
