My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I would fuck him just for his dog
The air taste purple.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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