I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
