We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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