I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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