I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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