Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
