As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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